May
1st
Thu
1st
- i copied this from Allison Treadwell (at) she's a freaking stud of a girl in austin...lately, our friendship has been purly textual:
- at: let's be friends. i think you're super nice.
- cb: wow. i'm shocked that you think i'm nice...even after i poisoned your cat.
- at: i always hated that cat. so it was more like you did me a favor. and, anyway, i did drown your hamster.
- cb: i thought you were teaching him to swim so that he could resuce all that jewelry i flushed down your toilet.
- at: not after i sold all your heroin at 4x street value and used your crystal glasses as planters for the marijuana
- cb: i stole money from your mom and made your grandparents pot brownies.
- at: i sold your cousin into slavery so that i could afford a prostitute, which turned out to be your cousin.
- cb: i peed on your salad and called it a viniagrette
- at: i sold your email address and phone number to telemarketers and penis enlargement companies.
- cb: i listed you on hotornot.com and voted you not 287 times
- at: i put koolaid in your showerhead.
- cb: i called your high school and had you listed in the alumni news as now going by albert
- at: i told your mom that you're gay and in love with a vegas performer.
- cb: i put sugar in your gas tank..and steel balls on the back of your car
- at: i froze all of your bras and stole your boyfriend.
- cb: i told perez hilton you were the girl in dustin diamond's sex tape...and sent in your high school grad picture
- at: i pushed the door close button while you were trying to catch the elevator.
- cb: i loaded your ipod with kidzbop songs
- at: i had one of my eggs fertilized by satan and then had your artificially inseminated while you slept.
- cb: i changed your myspace layout to one with kittens dressed as humans.
- at: i broke the unibomber out of jail just to send you a mail bomb.
- and then we started talking about how we're going to keep ourselves pure during our one month anti-kiss campaign:
- at: i'm going to wear a sign that says "no more boys"
- cb: i'm going to wear a tshirt that says "modest is hottest"
- at: i'm going to buy all turtlenecks and sweatpants
- cb: i'm going to buy a cat or two and dress them in matching sweaters that say "mommy is single"
- at: i'm going to start writing slam poetry about why boys are evil and my vagina is a temple.
- cb: i'm going to stop showering until "tibet is free."
- at: i'm going to punch any man who dares open a door for me, then i'm going to lecture him while he's down.
- cb: i'm going to follow lilith fair
- at: i'm going to reveal the truth about myself: i was born a man
- cb: i'm going to stop going to the gym and start mall walking
- at: i'm going to buy a "leave room for jesus" shirt and end every sentence with an appropriate bible verse.
- cb: i'm going to wear head gear and decorate it for every holiday
- at: i'm going to embroider my name into all of my underwear and only buy those morman swimsuits
- cb: i'm going to start a second life profile and my avitar can be super hot and slutty, that way i will still be fulfilled
- at: if asked if i'm seeing anyone, i'll say no, but that i do have two children: my teacup poodles mitzi and bitzi
- cb: and i'll say no, but i see no point since aliens are taking over the earth in five days and i have learned klingon in preparation for the political takeover.
- at: i'll tell all potential suitors that they have to wrestle my navy seal ex-boyfriend for my number
- cb: when asked for my sign, i'll ask if i can pray for god to forgive them for their wicked ways.
- at: i have a date tonight - i'm going to go jogging in sweats beforehand, and then refuse to shower
- cb: and make sure you carry your herpies cream with you and ask if he knows how to use it.
- at: i'll let him know i'm starting an "absolute abstinance" club with my friends.
- cb: i'm buying a true love waits ring!
- at: i feel so chaste!
- cb: i'm going to compete for the chastity cup!
- at: i'm going to start a nonprofit race for the pure!
- this is how i get through the days at work. edited for content and time.
